he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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