She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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