the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
