imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize