Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
