I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize