I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i think i just lost a toe
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
