Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
