8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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