omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I want her autograph on my taint
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
