Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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