My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
