I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
