my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
