I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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