dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
