Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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