Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
