margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
