So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
