Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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