I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
