Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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