I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
