I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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