my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
