The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
pray to the hookup gods
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
