Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
either way he was missing a nipple.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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