I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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