ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
