Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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