Four minutes until I can fart!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
