i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
