I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
