SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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