people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
