I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
This is the high leading the old right now
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
3 2 1 whiskey
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
