Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
