Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
zippers are such a cool invention
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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