did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
