i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
