make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
