he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
