My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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