I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
