I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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