come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
