I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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