he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
pop tarts are not kleenex
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
