K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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