Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize