so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
How naked do you want me to be?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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