Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
