How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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