Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
