I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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