I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
