Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
