He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
