i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
