I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I have demons in me.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
