who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
