i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
